I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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