She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
