Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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