why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
