you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
