He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
