My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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