god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
my liver is dry heaving
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
