I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
