Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize