My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize