Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
