i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
