There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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