How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
