I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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