you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
