I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize