Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
