I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
