I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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