Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
