He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
