whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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