So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
