My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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