Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
