some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
