The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
