OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
