This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
