Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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