You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
