Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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