No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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