Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
