so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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