my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
