woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
