Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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