WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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