I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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