Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
