I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize