In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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