It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
