Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
