Everything about him screamed your future.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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