I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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