just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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