Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
