the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
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