Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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