I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
His hands were made for my vagina.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
