Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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