I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
