I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
