i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
