Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
