yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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