it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
