The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
