How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
