Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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